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OK, I'm home again-couldn't go to work again today because i feel like shit. The baby is still sick, I had to take her to the doctor again yesterday. They gave her a albuterol treatment and I have to take her back manana. I caught her cold and I feel awful. She's watching Lazy Town now and drawing ....she's very funny....very dramatic lol

Javier and I are talking again. We both have alot of pressures financially....the rent is like superrrrrrrrrrr fucking late.....the cable bill is like 40000 dollars...and well the electricity we won't even get into that lol. I have to laugh about it..b/c if not I'll get depressed. I'm kinda starting to hate living in NYC, been here all my life but I don;t know everything here is like so hard....New York is truly only for the rich. I hateeeeee where I live. The Bronx sucks ass. I want to be back in my real neighborhood-not here. I don't fit in around here. It's too fucking ghettto around here...the people are like retards. It's hip hop 24-7...I hate it. I want to get out of here before the baby gets older and starts picking up some of the nasty habits of the kids around here. I miss the Village so much- I had so many good times growing up there. Sometimes I think back to when I was in high school , college and after that..and well it feels like a lifetime ago. Life was just more carefree back then.....then again I didn't have any real responsibilities back then. My biggest concern back then was...finding a good club to go to that night. But like I said that feels like it was a lifetime ago. I remember when I used to sleep til like 1 or 2 in the afternoon....get up...take a shower...go online...chat for hours then take another shower...get dressed..and go to a club-where I would then smoke weed, or do some tabs or X...Stay in the club til like 7am...go home and sleep and start the routine the next day all over again. My parents must've really hated me back then lol I'm sure they were probably like"we have such a loser for a daughter"....but I did it to rebel against them and all the years of being held down by them. i don't regret the things I did.....no, that's not true...there are things I regret...things that it's taken me years and years to accept and move on. For so long, those things held me down and controlled so much of my life. I hope my daughter never goes through what I went through. But I'll be honest with her and I'll tell her the truth about alot of things. Even tho I know people need to learn from their own mistakes. i did alot of shit to myself. At the time I didn;t think of it as if I were trying to hurt myself...I saw it as fun.
Thats' why I went to work at the group home...I wanted to help other girls. I wanted to warn them in a sense of what they were doing was wrong. I hope I was able to help some of them in whatever they were going through.

Dammit, my nose is all stuffy...UGHHHHHHHHHH...hate it. I'm out of it now...I'll go read my Star magazine for awhile.

# posted by fAiRY_PuNK_GRRRL | 9:53 AM |

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